This here muhfucka of a car brings out the testosterone-driven beast in me: 7 gears, 0-253 mph in 55 seconds, 253-0 mph in 10, $1.2m (before taxes)

Fuck me with a chromed manifold up my swollen prostate: what a great pair of shoes are to a woman, this car is to a man. I'd love a spin in it, even if some other guy -- like a racing professional -- has to drive it to show me what it can do. Anybody want to buy me a birthday present?Bugatti Veyron 16.4: To Drive the Impossible Dream -- by RICHARD FEAST

MOLSHEIM, France -- MANY people thought that Volkswagen lost touch with its customer base in 2003 when it introduced the Phaeton, a luxury sedan perfectly wonderful in almost every way save for a price tag that veered uncomfortably close to six figures.

What, then, will the skeptics make of the Bugatti Veyron 16.4, the fastest, most powerful and - no surprise - most expensive production car in the world? Bugatti is owned by VW, and the Veyron's engine is related, if distantly, to the W-8 power plant available in the last-generation Passat.

Not to worry; the Veyron's credentials speak for themselves. A 1,001-horsepower two-seater that blasts to 60 miles an hour in 2.5 seconds - and continues pulling all the way to 253 m.p.h. - the car is a sheer technological wonder.

Still, nothing prepares the newcomer for the reality behind the bald performance statistics. The Veyron is blisteringly, and effortlessly, fast. Other vehicles on the road appear to stop as the Veyron whooshes past with the ease of a Formula One car. It is a sobering realization that the grand prix racer is not as fast as a Veyron.

Even stationary, the Veyron looks like a car that takes no prisoners. Slightly less than 176 inches long (no longer than a Kia Spectra) and almost 79 inches wide, it is surprisingly compact. Most of the space inside seems to be occupied by an enormous 16-cylinder engine, a seven-speed transaxle and an all-wheel-drive system. Ten radiators are required to disperse all the heat the Veyron's mechanical systems generate.

The car's two-tone paint, horseshoe-shape grille and center dashboard panel of engine-turned aluminum reach back to Bugatti's design heritage. The interior is exquisite; details like vents and door pulls are made of machined and polished aluminum.

Over all, the car represents an extraordinary blend of opulence and power. As luxurious as a Maybach, the Veyron provides a level of comfort far beyond that of quasi racers like the Ferrari Enzo and Porsche Carrera GT, neither of which can match its acceleration, top speed or braking.

Thomas Bscher, president of Bugatti Automobiles, is just as proud of the car's refined manners. "This car can be driven by anyone," he said, a statement clearly begging to be substantiated.

The mighty motor rumbles to life at the touch of the starter button. Despite its placement just a few inches behind the driver's shoulders, the engine produces a muted growl that is music to the enthusiast.

Venturing onto the highways here, near Bugatti's headquarters in the Alsace region of France, the car's rarity and value generate considerable apprehension. Embarrassment, injury, a big repair bill or worse await a driver who does not show proper respect.

The automated seven-speed transmission shifts gears so seamlessly that the only clue is a change in the engine note. The car's unfamiliarity erodes with the miles; speed simultaneously increases. It seems entirely natural to shift using the gearshift paddles mounted on the steering wheel .

The ride over poor surfaces is amazing for such a taut high-performance car. The steering is so precise that the Veyron feels almost as nimble as a Miata.

It would be nice to relate that this reporter's driving skills are capable of wringing the maximum from the Veyron. They are not, but they were enough to determine that at really high speeds the car is quiet, comfortable, refined - and as easy to drive as Mr. Bscher says. The car's everyday top speed of 234 m.p.h. is enough to make it a king of the road. To be the performance emperor, though, the driver must resort to a second ignition key to the left of his seat.

The key functions only when the vehicle is at a stop. A checklist then establishes whether the car - and its driver - are ready to go for the maximum speed beyond 250 m.p.h. If all systems are go, the rear spoiler retracts, the front air diffusers close and the ground clearance, normally 4.9 inches, drops to 2.6 inches.

To appreciate the Veyron's performance extremes, ride along with Pierre-Henri Raphanel, a former professional racer who demonstrates the car to potential buyers.

Mr. Raphanel looks relaxed as he blasts the Veyron to almost 180 m.p.h. Other traffic and roadside objects appear and vanish in a blurred, real-life re-enactment of a computer game before he eases off.

When the freeway empties, Mr. Raphanel demonstrates the Veyron's brakes. The car's speed simply vanishes - braking to a stop from 250 m.p.h. takes less than 10 seconds, he said - but for the passenger, there is an equally astonishing experience: the driver is holding both hands in the air and wearing a big grin. The car has stopped in a straight line with no corrections at the steering wheel. If anything, the giant carbon-ceramic brakes and the rear air brake are more impressive than the acceleration.

Everything about the Veyron is shaped by superlatives, but even Mr. Bscher acknowledges, "Nobody needs a car like this."

Indeed, who could argue that it isn't a frivolous liability? On what roads can it be tested, given that it reaches speeds in excess of those achieved in qualifying laps for the Indianapolis 500? When the Veyron was recorded at 253 m.p.h., it was on a test track in Germany.

How relaxed would an owner be about leaving a Veyron in a parking structure for a couple of hours? How anxious would he be handing the ignition key to a parking valet?

The fuel economy - if that is the right word - is 9 miles per gallon in the city and 18 highway, according to preliminary E.P.A. estimates. Don't even think about mileage during more spirited driving: at maximum speed, the car would theoretically run out of fuel in 12 minutes, Mr. Raphanel said.

A giant automotive achievement, the Veyron owes its existence to Ferdinand Piëch, who bought rights to the fabled Bugatti name in 1998, when he was chairman of Volkswagen, with the goal of building the ultimate supercar.

Bringing it to market required an unwavering commitment by Mr. Piëch, a man with a reputation as a brilliant engineer, though many have questioned his grasp on commercial reality.

With four turbochargers, the Veyron's mighty 8-liter, 16-cylinder power plant produces 1,001 horsepower and enough torque (922 pound-feet) to uproot a redwood. The engine drives all four wheels via a seven-speed automated manual gearbox.

Despite extensive use of carbon fiber and aluminum, the Veyron is, at 4,162 pounds, quite heavy. Even so, the car is capable of staggering acceleration: from zero to 125 miles an hour in 7.3 seconds and to 250 in 55.6 seconds, according to Bugatti.

The price, for those indiscreet enough to ask, is $1.2 million in the United States, before taxes.

Theoretically, several of Volkswagen's rivals could create a Veyron alternative; some could even afford to. Mr. Bscher says the project cost no more than some automakers spend each year on Formula One racing - perhaps $400 million. In today's harsh business environment, though, automakers face challenges that make it unlikely they would allocate the technical and financial resources to one-up the Veyron.

Creating cars for plutocrats was a curious strategy for the manufacturer of the People's Car. The results, nevertheless, are now available to the handful of buyers with the necessary wherewithal.