President Comes Clean: “Of Course I Invaded Iraq For The Oil. Do You Think I’m Stupid Enough To Spread Democracy To Towelheads?” Approval Up 80%.

President Bush has been making a series of speeches to the country lately about Iraq to jack up his approval rating, and he appears to have succeeded with his latest tactic: honesty.

Vowing to become “the honest president,” George W. Bush spoke yesterday about his reasons for going to war with Iraq, after his father had tried it already, but unlike Bush Jr, ducked out before he got into real trouble.

“My father invaded Iraq, and what did he get? Praise from all over the world for his statesmanship, and then he goes and loses his bid for a second term. He did it all wrong. He stopped the war BEFORE his second-term election. If he were still fighting the war DURING the election, he would’ve won. The point about a war is not to win the war, but to win your reelection.

“That’s what I did, and I succeeded. But now that I got reelected, why haven’t I stopped this war? After all, we didn’t find any WMD, and there was no connection between 9/11 and Saddam Hussein.

“But let’s be honest, that’s not why I started the war with Iraq. Not at all. That’s what I said at the time, I know. But listen.

“Read my lips. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I invaded Iraq because Iraq has a lot of oil. Their oilfields haven’t been fully exploited yet, and I didn’t want to leave it up to a bunch of towelheads to do that. I’m a Texas oilman, and this is a job for Texas oilmen. We know how to get at that oil and get it out of the ground, and we know how to keep prices high so we can make a lot of money out of our oil-addicted fellow-Americans. That’s the honest truth.

“OK, so I lied a little. I said Saddam had WMD and there could be a mushroom cloud over an American city if we didn’t fight terrorism in Iraq. But heck, if I’d said back then that I wanted to invade Iraq for its oil, people would’ve started in on Texas and our oilmen with all sorts of crabby comments. I don’t like Texas being criticized, so I dreamed up the whole WMD business.

“Listen, I didn’t expect the whole country to fall for it -- only enough red-state folks to make an invasion credible.

“Is it my fault everybody’s so stupid they bought the WMD bullshit -- when it’s plain as day to anybody with half a brain that we went in there for the oil? What other reason could there possibly be? If Iraq’s main export was artichokes, do you think I would’ve invaded it?

“But even the NY Times fell for the WMD story. Did I tell them to believe me? No, they went and conned themselves. Don’t blame me for America’s stupidity. It’s not my problem if you’re stupider than me. I didn’t say you can fool most of the people most of the time. I merely proved it.

“And while I’m being honest with you, let me tell you why I put Condi Rice in the cabinet. How did that happen, you ask? She’s a woman. She’s black. Now let me be honest one more time. I put Condi Rice in my cabinet because she’s sexy. When you’ve got to stare in Dick Cheney’s ugly mug all day, you need some relief. That’s the honest truth.

“OK. Back to business. So why don’t I pull our troops out now, when I’m safely reelected? Some people say it’s because our troops should stay there until enough Iraqis have been trained to stand up to the insurgents by themselves. Others say we should stay to prevent a civil war. Others say we should stay the course until Iraq is a functioning democracy.

“My fellow Americans, what have you been smoking? Do you think I’m stupid enough to want to bring democracy to a bunch of towelheads, who wouldn’t recognize a democracy if it farted in their faces?

“No, my fellow Americans, I went in for the oil, and I’m not leaving until we get the oil. That’s the honest truth. All this democracy bullshit is just another smokescreen. I gave you a clue when I said the other day that pulling out of Iraq will be for future presidents to decide, and still you didn’t get it. So now I’m telling you in no uncertain terms. When we actually get the oil, when good old Texas oilmen are in full control of it, when they’re exploiting the unexploited oilfields, and when the Iraqis are happy with that, then we might leave. That’s the honest truth.

“Mind you, that’s not the whole truth. Let me be honest with you one more time. We might not want to leave Iraq anytime soon at all ever.

“Here’s why. We’ve built these massive military bases in Iraq. You should see them. They’ve got everything. McDonalds, Pizza Hut, the lot. They’re big enough for more than twenty thousand troops to live like Americans in the middle of the desert, like they’re living in their own independent state in a foreign country.

“One of these American bases is so big, it’s got two bus routes. Two bus routes! That’s mighty big. Do you think we built these bases for the Iraqi Army? No way. We’d never spend your tax money on massive bases just to hand them over to the Iraqis. If we wanted to leave something behind for the Iraqis, we would’ve spent your money on giving them electricity and drinkable water instead. But, you’ll be happy to know, we didn’t. Let me tell you, the Iraqis might not have enough electricity and clean water, but our troops get all the electricity and water they need, and then some. You can drop by any soldier’s quarters in Iraq, and you’ll find a fridge working 24/7, full of Coca Cola. And when that soldier gets hungry, he can take an American bus inside his American base to the nearest McDonalds, like any American in America. It’s like living in an American suburb.

“My fellow Americans, I make this pledge to you, and this time you can believe me, because I’m playing it straight with you from now on -- especially now that my approval ratings have doubled since I started this honesty dodge.

“I pledge to you that I’m going to stay the course in Iraq. We’re going to keep on fighting the terrorists over there so we won’t have to fight them here. Oh, sorry about that. That line -- about fighting the terrorists over there so we won’t have to fight them here -- it just slipped out. I’ve been dishonest so long, sometimes I recycle my own bullshit. This honesty thing is still new to me. My Dad, he didn’t have the vision thing, and I never had the honesty thing, so I’m still on a learning curve with it.

“As I was saying, we’re going to stay the course in Iraq until we have secured its oil for our country. It’s in our national interest, that’s for sure. And it’s in the interest of the Texas oil business, that’s for damn sure. And if that’s not enough for you, it’s in your own personal interest, too. You know that every time you go to a gas pump to fill the tank of your SUV.

“Your SUV, that’s why we’re in Iraq -- for the sake of your SUV. That’s the honest truth.

“Damn, it felt good to say that. I like the honesty thing. It takes some getting used to, but it feels good, and according to the polls, it works, too. I recommend it. Be honest, America. You’ll feel good. As for me, I’ve never felt better being your President. I’m real happy to be the pioneer of something totally new in the history of politics -- an honest President.”