Those goddam American menfolk

Report: Men Are Reining in Those Uppity U.S. Girls -- by Beth Quinn

The following is my annual report on the state of men in America.

After decades of oppression, men are making a comeback. Spurred on by President Bush and his new Supreme Court, they're reclaiming their God-given right to control women.

And about time, too. Women have had it their way too damn long, and now it's time for payback.

It all began in 1973 when women were given the right to choose an abortion in the landmark Roe v. Wade decision. What a catastrophe! The rest of it fell like dominoes. First, women didn't have to be pregnant if they didn't want to, then they wanted those other rights, like equal pay (which never really did take off, but the very idea was a thorn in the side).

Who knew what reproductive freedom would wrought? Or wring? Or whatever that word is?

So it became clear Roe v. Wade had to go if women were to be put back in their place. After all, if you can rape a woman and she has to stay pregnant, well, by golly, you've got the goods, don'tcha see?

And that's about to happen! South Dakota has banned all abortions except when the pregnancy or birth is about to kill the woman.

This is the big one, boys. This is the one that's gonna get you back in the saddle - and not that sissy Brokeback saddle, either.

The law is being challenged, of course - which was the point - and will go to the Supreme Court. With Bush's anti-abortion Justices Sam Alito and John Roberts on the bench now, that women-loving Roe v. Wade ruling is probably gonna be toast!

The men in charge aren't entirely without compassion. South Dakota Sen. Bill Napoli says he'd consider letting a girl have an abortion if she was brutally raped, a virgin, religious and planned on saving herself for her husband. Women should feel so darn good about having a guy like that to make their decisions!

(Note to women: If you think you might ever end up in this predicament, start going to church now, for cryin' out loud! You want to be seen as religious if you get knocked up by a rapist.)

And - ooh ooh, listen to this one. This one is so cool, guys! Matt Dubay of Michigan is working hard on your behalf to be able to just have sex without taking any responsibility if a baby comes along. That's right! Poor Matt. Right now, his ex-best girl is collecting $500 a month from him to support a daughter he never even wanted. He just wanted the sex!

So Matt is going to court. He says if a woman can choose to keep a baby or give it up, then a man can choose to support it - or not. You go, Matt!

Also - you won't believe how amazing THIS is - if a woman has sex, then the feeling down at the Bush administration is that she deserves cancer! That might sound harsh even to you fellas who want to get back in the saddle, but here's the reasoning.

Researchers have developed a vaccine that prevents cervical cancer. You'd think we'd be dancing in the streets over this one - an actual cancer vaccine that could save thousands of women's lives annually. It works by safeguarding women against a sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.

Here's the rub. Women should get the shot before they're sexually active. That means it should be part of standard childhood immunizations.

And that won't do. Bush says removing the threat of cervical cancer would make women promiscuous. Abstinence only, girls! If you get cancer from sex, you're just a slut anyway.

Now, I realize not all men are with the program here. There are millions of men who actually feel confident that women's freedom doesn't erode their own strength and sexuality and humanity.

To those men, I say this: We like you the best. You've got a much better chance of getting la "uh, some intimacy" than the troglodytes in your midst.

There are 1,044 days 'til Inauguration 2009.