Sharing a bed - there's more to it than sleeping and fucking

Women, men and the beds they make
There is more to sharing a pillow than sleep and sex
By PATRICK EVANS (from THE TORONTO STAR)

Tucking wars, hot flashes and even an attempted strangulation are some of the issues couples have faced under the sheets. Paul Rosenblatt, a social sciences professor at the University of Minnesota, interviewed 42 couples about overnight behaviour for his new book, Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing. He talked last week to the Star about the coziness (and downside) of sleeping side-by-side.

So what made you want to take this peek under the sheets?

It was because of some research I was doing on farm families. One of the families said, "Come out and stay a few days." I brought one of my sons along. He was 10. This family had a bed that was slightly wider than a single bed. My son and I shared it. He didn't know how to sleep parallel with the long side of the bed. I was constantly shoving him off me. And as the night went on, I realized people need to learn to sleep with each other.

There was another study I did on farm families that (had lost a member to) a fatal accident. One widow I interviewed said she and her husband had shared a bed for years, and the night after he died, she lay in bed and interacted with his spirit during the night. She felt his presence. She told him off for having such a stupid accident, then talked about what they were going to do with their kids. I realized bedtime is a time for intimacy, even after someone dies.

You write about the importance of couples chatting in bed at night.

Some of the couples thought they'd be in trouble if they didn't have this time. With other couples, one partner falls asleep instantly. ... Many said this was their important time for talk during the day. Often it's mundane talk: "What are you doing tomorrow?" Sometimes it was really important talk. "If you died, what do I do with your remains?"

But don't some people just want to shut up and sleep?

It was more often the guys who said that. She might be angry or upset, and he's thinking, "This will take a while." Some of the guys talked about forcing themselves to stay awake.

Why is bed-talk so important? Why can't couples have that intimate communication over breakfast or dinner?

People have their going-to-work routines. They don't like to get up an hour early to chat. Some couples have dinner with their kids, so there's stuff they won't talk about. Sometimes there's etiquette about what's permissible to talk about at dinner. You do not talk about her menopausal flashes at dinner.

How do the sexes clash in bed?

There are a lot of differences. Men have warmer bodies on the average, before the age of female menopause.

Men need fewer covers; they want the thermostat set lower. Women think they're going to die if they don't have the covers. Couples struggle for years. She's in wool socks and he's naked. Some couples have thermostat wars. One will sneak over to the thermostat and raise it. The other will pretend not to notice, and then sneak over to lower it.

Men don't like sheets tucked in. Sometimes if the sheets aren't tucked in a man can stick his feet out to cool his body. It's partly about temperature. And men are longer on average, so their feet get trapped up against tucked-in sheets. It's too tight.

`Couples struggle for years. She's in wool socks and he's naked. Some couples have thermostat wars'
Do couples get so bonded they can't sleep alone?

I do a lot of bereavement studies. There's continuity between the couples I interviewed for this book and widows I interviewed in earlier studies. (In cases of death or a partner's absence) a person might sleep on their partner's side of the bed. Partly it's because of the odours. "I can smell my partner, sense his presence there." Some of the widows I interviewed have mental conversations. They imagine he's in heaven and she's telling him about her day, or how this kid of theirs is a real pain sometimes.

Any blanket-stealing war stories?

Lots of them. A lot of the blanket-stealing people do what they do when they're asleep, so it's hard for them to control. There were people who had spare blankets by the bed. One or two couples tucked in the blankets on the side of the bed that had the blankets stolen.

What stories surprised you?

There are people who start doing things in bed equivalent to sleepwalking. There was one man who, after they watched a really gory slasher movie, in his sleep he put his hands around his wife's neck to start to strangle her.

She woke him up fast, and they shared a bed after that, but agreed not to watch slasher movies before bed.

There was one couple where his toenails were long and sharp and her legs would get gashed. There was something about the way his foot was built that, even when they cut his nails short, they were still blades.

What about sleepers who cuddle all night? Are they in any danger of nerve damage from spending eight hours with their loved one crushing their arm?

There was one guy convinced he had a neurological disease. He woke up every morning and couldn't move his arm. Then they found out it was because he was sleeping with his arms under her.

There was another couple that spoons all night. I asked them how they can keep spooning when one of them wants to roll over. They said, "We call out a letter. We have two spooning positions, Position A and Position B. If one of us wants to shift he just calls out `A!' and we roll over."

What about couples who like their own space in bed and sleep apart? If we don't wake up in the morning after eight blissful hours in each other's arms, are we headed for divorce court?

I think for couples who are newly together, and especially if they're younger, it's partly about the sexual rush and the physical intimacy. And they think they should sleep like that. Couples who have been together for a while say that to get a good night's sleep they need some distance from this tangle.

There was this elderly couple, in their 70s. The week before I interviewed them she had started sleeping somewhere else. I asked the husband if he missed the warmth and cuddling and safety, and he said, "No, I just want the nookie."

She said, "It's been a long trip, but I've had enough of his sexual demands in the middle of the night. I just want to sleep."