My application for a White House job

Dear Mr. Karl Rove:

I would love a job working for you at the White House, or if you were forced to leave it through any unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, to replace you with my services.

I have sound electioneering credentials. I’ve proved myself in managing two successful elections. In the first one, a friend of mine ran for sheriff, and I engineered a rumor that our opponent was a gay with a taste for black boys. Our opponent was lucky not to get run out of town. In the second election, our opponent was mysteriously accused of being a lesbian with an illegitimate black child that got fathered on her by a colored pimp and that she tried to abort at Planned Parenthood.

In both elections these rumors could not be traced back to me, or to my candidate. In fact, when the media approached me about these rumors, I placed my hand on my heart and said it was a pity that these rumors were around, and even though they might well be true, I for one would never interfere with our free democratic political process, or demean it with such rumors, even though they might well be true, according to verifiable sources which could be verified after due investigation, which is the job that the media should be doing, instead of making unsubstantiated accusations.

I have a proven record of telling the right lie at the right time for the good of my country and my candidate, and I know how to cover my tracks and work through paid surrogates. My candidate is always clean.

I think it is wrong to tax rich people because otherwise they won't have the money to give people good paying jobs in our service economy, like nannies, chauffeurs and dog walkers. I believe in the oil industry and that it should be supported at all costs, not only by cutting corporate taxes, but also by starting wars to gain overseas contracts. We should trust the oil business and other big corporations to care for our environment, because they know best how to keep this important legacy productive. They also know better what to do with the money wasted on Social Security that could be used to build weapons systems to defend our beloved country against terrorists in Iraq where it is good that we are fighting them, because then we don't have to fight them here, because it's always better for Muslim Iraqis to die than pro-life Christians on American soil.

I believe Democrats are traitors who coddle terrorists. It is not enough to beat Democrats. They should be crushed. I picked up some useful torturing tricks in Baghdad under General Miller. I know how to sexually humiliate Arabs, and I’m sure I can migrate this knowledge to the torture and humiliation of Democrats.

My patriotism cannot be questioned. Nothing will stand in my way when I punish those who try to embarrass our President, our policy, our party or our country -- not even leaking the name of a covert CIA agent. I know where my loyalties lie.

I believe that abortion is a terrible sin and mothers who murder their children in the womb should be prosecuted. I don't believe in condoms, and agree that all overseas programs to fight AIDS should be cut if they advocate using condoms. People who run the risk of getting AIDS should follow abstention, and not be allowed to interfere with God's plan for them by the indiscriminate use of condoms, which is something you can expect from decadent liberals who pollute our Christian traditions with their lifestyle, and are a plague on our nation worse than AIDS.

As for gay persons, far from abominating the sanctity of marriage by getting married to each other, they should be put on sex offender lists and never be allowed to teach children in our schools, or allowed to have dogs, because you never know what these sickos might do to their animals.

In conclusion, like you, I am a devout Christian who believes in the Holy Bible. I would be honored to be invited to pray with you in the White House, and pledge our lives anew to honor God in everything we do.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
Your brother in Christ,
Adam Ash.