Advice columns ain’t Ann Landers anymore: what to do when you’re fucked up the ass

Dan Savage is probably America's best-known new advice column writer. He's definitely not old-school. He deals with all sorts of problems, some of them prety weird, as the following shitty advice shows. Expect to be grossed out.

Savage Love
by Dan Savage

Q. I am a straight woman who likes getting fucked in the ass. My boyfriend enjoys fucking my ass, so it works out well. Also, my boyfriend and I are both clean, so we don't worry about STDs and I prefer sex without condoms. Who doesn't? My problem is this: After he shoots a big load of cum in my ass, it leaks back out for the rest of the day -- along with other, less appetizing, substances. It makes quite a mess in my pants, smells bad, and is uncomfortable. I never hear gay men complain about this -- and don't tell me it's because they're all busy practicing safe sex. Is there anything I can do to avoid this situation -- short of using a condom? Some gay man's secret for taking a big load in the ass? --Love The Cum Hate The Mess

A. Anal-sex prep is hashed over in skanky and mainstream sex advice columns alike: proper hygiene, lengthy foreplay, and, for the peggers out there, the procurement of strap-ons. But scant attention is paid to the post-anal-sex issues, like the proper disposal of lube, semen, and santorum. Why? Because semen, lube, and santorum disposal reminds us of the asshole's primary function, and so sex advisers tend to gloss over PAS issues. But at your request, here's the ancient Gay-Boy Secret: After your boyfriend comes in your ass, LTCHTM, pull your ass off his dick and plop it down on the toilet. Bring a magazine. Then crap it out -- crap it all out. Cum and lube and santorum that aren't left in your ass can't leak out and soil your undies the next day.