Bookplanet: book packaging from yesteryore

Ishmael? C'mon, Herm, Call Him Nate
By KEITH DIXON

SOME were surprised to learn that Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard undergraduate accused of plagiarism, had been hooked up with a "book packager" for the development of her novel, "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life."

But packagers, who help authors conceive, compose and sell their work, have been doing their best to exert creative influence on novelists, poets and playwrights for hundreds of years, as these archival letters reveal.

1. My Dearest Anton Pavlovich,

I was a bit disappointed by your reaction to my suggestions during our meeting yesterday.

Despite your outburst (a rather childish one, I thought, for someone who claims to be a "doctor"), I have included my suggested plot outline in the hope that you will reconsider using it.

Plot Outline for A. Chekhov

I. Locate a copy of Turgenev's "Sportsman's Sketches"

a. open it

b. copy it*

c. send it to us**

* remember to change all characters' names (e.g., "Mr. D—" to "Mr. F—") and locations (e.g. "in the town of L—" to "in the city of G—").

** and don't forget to sign your name, and not Turgenev's. We don't want a repeat of that Tolstoy mess from last year.


2. Dear James,

Have finished my first pass of your manuscript and already have a few problems with the plot. It seems thin.

As far as I can tell, your plot is:

Bloom walks around Dublin

Dedalus walks around Dublin

They meet at a maternity ward

They part

Publishers will probably want something with a bit more of a payoff.

May I suggest:

Bloom walks around Dublin

Dedalus walks around Dublin

They hijack a maternity ward

They die


3. T.S. —

Don't want to overstate the obvious, here, but we'll have a better shot at selling this stuff if it rhymes.

So: Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.

Shantih shantih shantih

Better as???

Datta. Dayadhvam. I'm a dope M.C.

Shantih shantih shantih


4. Bill —

Best news: Heard back from legal, and they're fully behind us on that thing we talked about at the shoppe. Marlowe's contract stipulates very clearly that he gets no writing credit. There's no way this one's going to get out, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Looking forward, how about that "Hamlet II" project I outlined? I haven't heard back from you, and, frankly, I'm beginning to sense that you're dragging your feet a bit. Our marketing folks have done some test surveys and they assure me it's a winner.

Don't overthink this one!


5. Dear Miss Austen:

In response to your missive — trust me, nobody's questioning whether or not your book's title is a good one: it is. But I think we need to look toward something that shouts market niche. You give me a built-in audience, I'll get you three figures!

I hope you'll consider using one of these:

My Big Fat Delaford Wedding

Sex and the City and £10,000 a Year

Barton Park Blondes


6. Dear Sam,

What if the story were told from the point of view of Godot?

Just workshopping here.

(Keith Dixon's second novel, "The Art of Losing," is scheduled to be published by St. Martin's Press next year.)