My living will

LISTEN UP, ALL MY LOVED ONES, PLUS THE LEGAL PROFESSION, THE PRESIDENT, CONGRESS, TOM DELAY, RANDALL TERRY, AND ALL YOU OTHER TEARY-EYED MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT-TO-LIFERS.
IF I CAN'T ...
1. utter any of the following lines: "I love my girlfriend"; "George Bush is a major asshole"; or "religion is a crock and besides, it causes terrorism" ...
2. read a novel ...
3. type an original sentence on a computer ...
4. control my sphincter muscles to the point that I don't derive satisfaction from the passage of a finely turned, flutey fart ...
5. chew my food ...
6. get a hard-on when you hold a picture of a woman spreading her labia in front of my eyes ...
LET ME DIE.